I'm not that girl

I'm sitting here crying again.

No matter how much I pretend I feel fine
No matter how often I pretend I don't miss him
Don't want him
Don't need him
No matter how often I read what Kimberly wrote in the perfectly timed e-mail she sent
No matter how much I believe that God will provide
That He WANTS to provide
That what I experience in life will be way beyond what I can imagine...

I DO miss him.
And no matter how much I'd like to ignore it...I love him, more than he ever chose to see.
I doubt that will ever go away.

His words, and the timing of those words reveal so much.
More than he knows?

I don't have to read them. But I do, and they always send me on a crying spell (and make me want a cigarette). They bring me out of my fake reality where everything's ok and force me to feel the things that I always try so hard not to feel.

I just wish...
for so many things, really.

"Don't wish.
Don't start.
Wishing only
Wounds the heart"