WHY???

Why do I do this?
Why do I KEEP doing this?
It's not just a matter of not seeing...it's seeing but doing anyway.
Why can't I see IN THE MOMENT what my actions mean. What I'm doing. How much I'm hurting him.
If I love him why can't I see that?
Because I've never had to? I doubt that would make it any easier.
Because I don't want to be hurt? I don't want to be embarassed? Do I really have too much pride to tell him, no, SHOW him how I feel?

I don't want to believe it.

Why don't I reach out? I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and he's reaching out his hand for me to take. I say, "you're not close enough," and he comes closer. I say it again, and again he moves towards me. Any closer and he'll fall off himself, but he's still there. I don't take his hand.

WHY?

Why am I so afraid of getting what I want? Do I deserve what he's offering? Probably not. Does anybody?
Am I doing to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for what I've done? How can I live a life that glorifies God if I do that? How can I show His love and forgiveness to other people, which should be what my life is all about, if I don't think I'm worthy of it myself?

Were we ever one? I believe we were. The time was short though. I saw the potential and I was scared. Why don't I believe I deserve to be happy? Why don't I think I have the potential to make someone else happy?

Love is in me to give. There's so much. God gave me love at the time I needed it most. He gave me so much that I don't know what to do with it all. I know I love him but I keep it inside. That's what hurts. It's not what he says, it's not how he says it, it's not that he has to keep reminding me.
I don't let him have it. I talk to him in my head, but not actually to HIM. I push the mute button on the phone and scream out in pain and frustration (not at him, at myself) and wonder why he gets irritated when I don't say anything.

The reason I'm so good at spewing theory is because I DO know what a relationship takes. I DO know what I should do.
I don't have faith or trust that I can do those things, and that I deserve what they would bring.

He probably feels the same way. But I am worth more to him than the things he's afraid of. I mean more to him than his fear and insecurity. I mean more to him than himself even...he doesn't need to be 'safe' to make his love known.

I AM losing him. I can feel it.
Can I find the value in myself that will allow me to reverse the process?