God knows I know I've thrown away those graces.

I was sure by now
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again
I say "Amen"
and it's still raining...

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you..."
and as Your mercy falls
I'll raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in my hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm. (Casting Crowns)

Late last night I went outside, laid on the sidewalk, and cried out to God. I begged him to tell me why he would show me something so wonderful, show me everything I want, and then take it away.
I only have one answer. I wasn't ready for it. I tried to force it. And now I don't know if I can ever have it again. How do I cope with that?

(8.29.05)
He saw beauty in me that I'll never see as long as I live.
HOW CAN I???
All the things I did to him, all the things I did that affected him, everything I dragged him into, everything I put him through. I did that to the man I love more deeply than I've ever loved before. I know it doesn't mean a lot because it's coming from ME...and maybe that's it. I can't love him the way I should. I can't love him the way he loved me.
But under all the fear, under the addiction, underneath all the things in me that destroyed our relationship...I can't say love wasn't there.
He IS unique. He IS special. He DOES support me.
His sense of humor. His heart. The tenderness.
All those things I love.
He sees his own worth. He knows he deserves more than what he sees in me. He's not willing to compromise who he is or what he wants.
I wish I could hate him for that.
But I don't.

I love him so much more because of those things.