I ran from him in all kinds of ways

confused
because of what I want
because I know it could happen
but it seems impossible

tired
of telling myself I don't know what to do
of letting down
the person I so care for

hurting
because he's hurting
because I hate to see that
and yet I keep causing it

baffled
at who I am
at what I've done
how did I become like this?

sad
because he doesn't believe me
because I KNOW this time is different
and yet I know he shouldn't believe what I say

frustrated
at myself
for not changing quickly
for not doing what I know I should

Why is it that the one I love the most is the one I can't tell?
Why is it that I treat people I hardly know better than the one I want to know the most?

I went on a prayer walk today.
God revelaed a little bit of himself to me. It isn't new or profound, but it was those things to me.

He made people to have relationships with each other. He designed them for so many things...comfort, companionship, inspiration, safety, as a platform to show others outside of the relationship His love.
Jesus himself had a group of people that were very close to him. He was their master, their teacher, but also their friend. I'm sure the relationships he formed were very beneficial, not only to the people around him, but to him as well.
And yet, when he needed them most, they couldn't be found. The only one he could turn to was God.

I'm choosing today to open myself up. I'm choosing to have those relationships...even though I know earthly relationships and people in their humanity will let me down. I choose that knowing that God will always be there, with open arms, for me to run to. He will NEVER disappoint me. And because I know that, I can better handle the thought that disappointment will come.