I wish it wasn't like this

The past 28 hours have been extremely emotional and confusing for me. I had some free time this afternoon and I felt like I needed to spend some time in God's word. I was reading everything...Lamentations, John, Acts...just searching for SOMETHING. Praying for God to speak to me somehow. What I read was good, but I didn't feel like it was exactly what I needed. I've been reading Genesis so I decided to just continue where I left off. Even as I was reading, I didn't see how it applied to me. But as I was talking to God while I was driving home my thoughts drifted back to Abraham and Isaac.
Abraham was willing to sacrifice...willing to give up something that was so precious to him, something he'd been waiting for, something that was promised to him. He took his son up the mountain. He had the knife in his hands. He was seconds away from doing it. His faith that God knew what He was doing, and that God would work things out the way He wanted to was so strong that he was willing to say, "ok God, it's in your hands."
My Bible text notes ask the question, "Will we entrust our futures unreservedly to the God Abraham trusted?"
Will I be willing to give up something that is SO special to me? Something I've been waiting for, something I feel I've been promised? Will I be able to say "YOUR will be done...it's not what I want, but I know you know best"? I haven't been able to do that. Today has to be the day.
It's not easy.
It's not what I want.
God knows that. He must, I tell him every 3 seconds.

Knowing that God knows how I feel isn't as comforting as I think it should be. I don't think that matters as much as I'd like.