I'm haunted

by the lives that I have loved
and actions I have hated

I had surgery 2 days ago.
The doctor put the drugs to put me to sleep in my IV and it stung a little as it was going through my arm. The nurse noticed that I flinched and said, "Think happy thoughts. Think about lying on the beach or something, and I'll see you when you wake up." I was already halfway under but I remember my happy thought.
It was him.
Sitting in a chair in the living room, him in a chair to my left. We look at each other and smile.
Then I woke up in recovery.
The thing that surprised me most was that it wasn't a forced thought. In my semi-conscious state, memories of him were what made me happy.

I don't think you'll read this, but I need to write it anyway.

It's funny, the thing he hated most is now the only way I can communicate with him.

I miss you. Terribly.
And even though I can't make things work right now...
I love you so much.