Do you think I am asking too much?

I just want something that's REAL...

Real life comes by feeding on every word of the LORD (Deut 8:3)

First you must prove yourself to be a real warrior by fighting the LORD's battles (1 Sam 18:17)

True wisdom and real power belong to God; from him we learn how to live, and also what to live for (Job 12:13)

To forsake evil is real understanding (Job 28:28)

God looks down from heaven on the entire human race; he looks to see if there is even one with real understanding, one who seeks for God (Psalm 53:2)

A real friend sticks closer than a brother (Prov 18:24)

And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment (Php 1:9)

Your real life is hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3)

wishing i could cry more and care less

I haven't spoken to You or felt Your presence in days.
The words I read...Your words...seem empty and meaningless.
I've tried talking to you again and again but it seems like you don't hear a word I'm saying, and right now I don't have any left.
I've tried being quiet and just listening to what You say, but all I hear is the ringing of silence in my ears.
You have information that I'm not privy to, and You won't share.
I've told You what I'd be willing to do, what I'd be willing to go through, but that doesn't seem to matter.

But even through all of this...

I know You are the very essence of love.
I know that You are good, and your plans are as well.
I know that because of the nature of who You are, you care so much more for the burdens on my heart than I ever could.
And...I know I'm probably closing my eyes and desperately trying to find you, and all the while you're probably saying, "just open your eyes and you'll be able to see my hands reaching out to you."

Strange place to be, and one that I've never really been before.
I don't think I like it.

?.?.?

Strange things are happening, and while I always wonder how God will use what He's teaching me now later in my life, the past day...week...month...has made me wonder more than usual...
What is God preparing me for?