...

I don't want to be popular.
I want to be real.
I want to be unabashedly loving.
I don't know quite how to do this. Jesus, help me to be the woman You made me to be.
Help me to see who that is...or rather, who You are in my life...and then what I become.
That it's not about me...it's about following You.
To feel YOUR LOVE...to embrace it...to spread it.

Thanks Lauren. God is shining through you.

Because I Knew You...

I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led
to the ones who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return

It may well be
that we will never meet again
in this lifetime
so let me say before we part
so much of me
is made of what I learned from you
you'll be with me
like a handprint on my heart
and now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes the sun
like a stream that meets a boulder
half way through the wood
who can say if I've been changed
for the better
but, because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

Exodus 33:12-23

Moses wasn't quite sure what to do, or what was coming next.
Moses: "If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans."
God: "My presence will go with you, I'll see the journey to the end."
God didn't lay out His plan just because Moses asked Him to. In fact, He did the opposite. He said, "I'll be with you. I will lead you. That's all you need to know." (The Message)

In my life, especially right now I'm begging God to reveal His plan for me.
I keep asking.
He never does.
He tells me, "Trust me for what you need to know today, and I'll tell you what you need to know tomorrow when tomorrow comes."
And it's amazing watching Him work in my life from day to day. He MUST have a plan, because I have no clue and things are still coming together.
It's definitely scary, following blindly, but every single day I see a little more of God's plan unfolding and every day it gets a little less scary.
A wise man I knew said once that Exercise of faith grows faith.
I hate it. That doesn't make it less true.

Exodus 33:19
God said, "I will make my goodness pass right in front of you. I'll call out the name, God, right before you." (The Message)
Whatever our next step is, whatever lies ahead of us, God is there. He's paving the way.
------------------------------------
I wrote that a few days ago, and that's all well and good. There are days when it's really comforting to think that someday I will have some one-on-one time with God and He will say to me, "remember that day, that month, that year when you had no idea where you were going, didn't like the way the path looked from where you stood, and questioned everything, but still followed me? I was SO proud of you then."
But then there are days, usually Mondays, where it all seems so pointless.
Thank the Lord for C.S. Lewis...

"Our [the devil's] cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's [God's] will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
- The Screwtape Letters

I'm so [insert insulting adjective HERE]. I pray that the people surrounding him are supportive, encouraging, a source of strength, and able to see how special he is. But then, when I see evidence that what I've prayed for is actually happening, I run the range of emotions from anger to jealousy to hurt.
WHAT DO I EXPECT???
Because I know...believe me, I know that God answers prayer. Do I expect Him to take all my requests seriously except that one?
And...do I really want him to be miserable and hurting and angry until the day comes that I'm ready to tell him I want him back? IF it comes. (Yeah. Still haven't let go of that thought, although I probably should. Let go and let God...easier said than done.)
The answer to both questions is...after much contemplation, "no". I want him to be happy. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing.

I'm haunted

by the lives that I have loved
and actions I have hated

I had surgery 2 days ago.
The doctor put the drugs to put me to sleep in my IV and it stung a little as it was going through my arm. The nurse noticed that I flinched and said, "Think happy thoughts. Think about lying on the beach or something, and I'll see you when you wake up." I was already halfway under but I remember my happy thought.
It was him.
Sitting in a chair in the living room, him in a chair to my left. We look at each other and smile.
Then I woke up in recovery.
The thing that surprised me most was that it wasn't a forced thought. In my semi-conscious state, memories of him were what made me happy.

I don't think you'll read this, but I need to write it anyway.

It's funny, the thing he hated most is now the only way I can communicate with him.

I miss you. Terribly.
And even though I can't make things work right now...
I love you so much.