I wanted so badly for him to be there this morning.
I thought I saw his car in the parking lot.
The building that looks so familiar in the dark was like a stranger in the light of day.
Nothing seemed familiar.
And he was nowhere to be found.

Since I am Forgotten

Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous, dous amis,
Vie amoureuse et joie a Dieu commant
Mar vi le jour que m'amour en vous mis;
Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous, dous amis,
Mais ce tenray que je vous ay promis
C'est que jamais n'aray nul autre amant
Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous, dous amis,
Vie amoureuse et joie a Dieu commant

A little overdramatic perhaps, but I have my moments.

I'm not that girl

I'm sitting here crying again.

No matter how much I pretend I feel fine
No matter how often I pretend I don't miss him
Don't want him
Don't need him
No matter how often I read what Kimberly wrote in the perfectly timed e-mail she sent
No matter how much I believe that God will provide
That He WANTS to provide
That what I experience in life will be way beyond what I can imagine...

I DO miss him.
And no matter how much I'd like to ignore it...I love him, more than he ever chose to see.
I doubt that will ever go away.

His words, and the timing of those words reveal so much.
More than he knows?

I don't have to read them. But I do, and they always send me on a crying spell (and make me want a cigarette). They bring me out of my fake reality where everything's ok and force me to feel the things that I always try so hard not to feel.

I just wish...
for so many things, really.

"Don't wish.
Don't start.
Wishing only
Wounds the heart"

We are not alone

Just read the blog of an acquaintance of mine...happens to go to the same church I go to. He was complaining about the super strict "rules" of dating. And let me just say...good on him. Somebody show me a bible verse that says that courtship is the only Godly way to find a spouse and I'll back down, but until then...I see more problems than solutions.

Problem #1: A person's safety can be compromised because you're not supposed to be one on one with someone of the opposite gender.
It IS important to be wise, and I would tell any woman that before you put yourself in a situation where you're alone with a guy, you better know him VERY well. However, if you DO know the guy and DO feel safe and comfortable with him, and your choices are (1)ride (yes, alone) with him for 10 minutes, or (2)ride the train, in the dark, by yourself, when there aren't a lot of people around, and wait for someone to pick you up at the station when you get there...this is just my opinion, but I think the former is the wisest and safest choice.

Problem #2: It causes tension between would-be friends. Example (this might get a bit tricky to follow, so I'm apologizing now): Person A likes person B, but person A can't say anything to person B because it's not her place...she has to wait for person B to get the same feelings and talk to God and talk to his friends, mentors, house plants, whatever...and THEN talk to her. So when person A sees person B talking to person C (who is the same gender as person A), person A might get jealous and not want person C to be around person B...and do whatever she could to keep them apart.
And I mean, really, how high school-ish is that?
(I want to clarify...this situation isn't really from personal experience, it's just a potential problem)

Problem #3: It keeps friendships between people of the opposite sex at a superficial and shallow level instead of really allowing them to grow.
For instance...if I'm thinking about or praying for or wondering how someone is doing, it's not appropriate for me to call him up and ask. I have to do something like send him a text message, or wait until I see him and try to remember to tell him, or...and this is what usually ends up happening, especially since it's me we're talking about...do nothing at all.

Problem #4: The whole process of moving from being friends to courting is a HUGE step. When someone says "we're courting", they might as well say, "we're getting married sometime in the next couple years." It would be SO scary for me to make that big of a jump, even if my feelings for the person supported it. How do you know that you'll be able to make everything work? I'm not discounting the fact that God can change people's hearts but what if there are some things you just cannot work through? Can you actually move backwards in the courting process? Or, do you just get married anyway and hope you can work through it later?
I don't know...maybe I need someone smarter than I am to explain that aspect to me, but right now it seems really dangerous.

I'd probably be ousted if I openly voiced my opinion, but it's nice to know that there are a few people who agree with me.