Psalm 104

He set the earth on its foundations,it can never be moved.
He makes springs pour water into the ravines; it flows between the mountains.
They give water to all the beasts of the field; the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
The birds of the air nest by the waters; they sing among the branches.
He waters the mountains from his upper chambers; the earth is satisfied by the fruit of his work.
He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for man to cultivate - bringing forth food from the earth: wine that gladdens the heart of man, oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains his heart.
The trees of the Lord are well watered.
The moon marks off the seasons, and the sun knows when to go down.
You bring darkness, it becomes night, and all the beasts of the forest prowl.
The lions roar for their prey and seek their food from God.

These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time.
When you give it to them, they gather it up;
when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.
When you hide your face, they are terrified
when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust.
When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth.

You do all of this.
It's not hard for you...you do it because it makes you happy.
I need you.
I need your power.

Pull me through this.

I wish it wasn't like this

The past 28 hours have been extremely emotional and confusing for me. I had some free time this afternoon and I felt like I needed to spend some time in God's word. I was reading everything...Lamentations, John, Acts...just searching for SOMETHING. Praying for God to speak to me somehow. What I read was good, but I didn't feel like it was exactly what I needed. I've been reading Genesis so I decided to just continue where I left off. Even as I was reading, I didn't see how it applied to me. But as I was talking to God while I was driving home my thoughts drifted back to Abraham and Isaac.
Abraham was willing to sacrifice...willing to give up something that was so precious to him, something he'd been waiting for, something that was promised to him. He took his son up the mountain. He had the knife in his hands. He was seconds away from doing it. His faith that God knew what He was doing, and that God would work things out the way He wanted to was so strong that he was willing to say, "ok God, it's in your hands."
My Bible text notes ask the question, "Will we entrust our futures unreservedly to the God Abraham trusted?"
Will I be willing to give up something that is SO special to me? Something I've been waiting for, something I feel I've been promised? Will I be able to say "YOUR will be done...it's not what I want, but I know you know best"? I haven't been able to do that. Today has to be the day.
It's not easy.
It's not what I want.
God knows that. He must, I tell him every 3 seconds.

Knowing that God knows how I feel isn't as comforting as I think it should be. I don't think that matters as much as I'd like.

All I have to do is...

It's late. Around midnight. He's out of town...some meeting or convention. I'm at the office. My phone rings...
This is Lisa...
Hey babe. It's me. I tried calling you at home...no answer. You're still at work?
Yeah, I had some catching up to do. I went home and ate dinner but I decided to come back...the house seems so empty without you. I miss you.
I miss you too, sweetie. Do me a favor. Go home, crawl into bed, and imagine my arms around you. I'll be holding you in my dreams...

Dream big.
That's my new philosophy.

"Who's hopes are so low they are comfortable?"
-Sylvia Plath

I ran from him in all kinds of ways

confused
because of what I want
because I know it could happen
but it seems impossible

tired
of telling myself I don't know what to do
of letting down
the person I so care for

hurting
because he's hurting
because I hate to see that
and yet I keep causing it

baffled
at who I am
at what I've done
how did I become like this?

sad
because he doesn't believe me
because I KNOW this time is different
and yet I know he shouldn't believe what I say

frustrated
at myself
for not changing quickly
for not doing what I know I should

Why is it that the one I love the most is the one I can't tell?
Why is it that I treat people I hardly know better than the one I want to know the most?

I went on a prayer walk today.
God revelaed a little bit of himself to me. It isn't new or profound, but it was those things to me.

He made people to have relationships with each other. He designed them for so many things...comfort, companionship, inspiration, safety, as a platform to show others outside of the relationship His love.
Jesus himself had a group of people that were very close to him. He was their master, their teacher, but also their friend. I'm sure the relationships he formed were very beneficial, not only to the people around him, but to him as well.
And yet, when he needed them most, they couldn't be found. The only one he could turn to was God.

I'm choosing today to open myself up. I'm choosing to have those relationships...even though I know earthly relationships and people in their humanity will let me down. I choose that knowing that God will always be there, with open arms, for me to run to. He will NEVER disappoint me. And because I know that, I can better handle the thought that disappointment will come.