A few thoughts...

My grandma likes things done her way and on her schedule. It is and always has been part of her personality, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that. But it requires a lot of patience and understanding from me. Patience is one thing I ask God for numerous times throughout the day, and I have wonderful friends that keep me in their thoughts and prayers.
Last night my friend Becky made a comment about praying "dangerously". In essence she was saying "be careful what you wish for, God might just give it to you". I realized that in praying for patience I'm essentially asking God to give me more situations where I can use the patience He has given me. It doesn't necessarily get easier, but I'm more able to handle it.

I was driving down the street thinking about my mom's difficult work situation - working with people who are less than pleasant - and listening to Jeremy Camp sing:
Nothing I can do
Nothing I can say
Can make you love me more
Your love remains the same.
I know my pride sometimes gets the best of me and I think...not really that I'm a better person, but that I have an edge because I know and love God. But that isn't true.
God doesn't love me more because I pray or read the Bible or go to the "right" church. He loves me because he created me, just like he loves the person who cut me off in traffic, because he created them.

Last night my friends and I prayed and lifted up the state of Utah and all the people in it to God. I get so discouraged sometimes because these people are so lost and it seems so impossible to reach them. I decided that it's God's responsibility. Only He can change people. That doesn't mean that He can't or won't use me as a tool, but it's His work, not mine.

2 AM

and I'm still awake writing this song
if I get it all down on paper
it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to
and I feel like I'm naked
in front of the crowd
cause these words are my diary
screaming out loud
and I know that you'll use them
however you want to

Qustions on my mind tonight:
Why do I feel pangs of jealousy and get sick to my stomach when he talks about women that have been in his life?
Why does my heart sink when he talks about qualities and behaviors I don't possess?
But then...what makes me think that the things he says may have double meanings? What makes me think that I'm more than just a flicker of a thought to him?

Can not being perfect make someone even more so?


How long
Have I
Waited
For you
For you have
Stolen
My heart.

Strength

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Here's a great realization...praying can be as simple as talking to God. It doesn't have to be formal, you don't have to use the right words, it doesn't need to be impressive. I've also found that a big part of praying is not talking...waiting for God to talk to you.

You're done for good.

I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody in my life knows. They know I started smoking when I was 16. What they don't know is...I haven't stopped.

My church is having their annual fundraiser. Our goal was to raise $200,000 in 4 weeks, above and beyond regular tithing. Since I don't have any real income, after God's 10% all the rest of the money I get goes towards paying the couple bills I have.
But somehow I scrounge up $5 a week to buy a pack of cigarettes.
God has been constantly telling me to get rid of things that are standing between us...in sermons, discussions, music, the way I feel physically...and smoking is my last major hurdle.
Tonight at church they announced how close we were to reaching our goal. So far we have about $27,000. It was a dagger in the heart to me because I wished I could do more to contribute, and then it hit me.
If I make a pledge to give that $5 a week, that adds up to $260 in a year. It isn't much, but God can use it better than the tobacco companies, I'm sure. It gives me a reason to quit, and holds me responsible for how I use my money.
I don't think I'll have the withdrawls...smoking was always more of a comfort than an addiction, and I know that if I look in the right place I have all the comfort I'll ever need.

Show me how to love You more
and know You completely

You're Awesome!!!

Growing up in a Christian home, I always heard the phrase "God answers prayer". I never doubted that that was the truth, but yesterday I saw God in action. For the first time I asked for something specific, remembered what I asked for (very important), and saw God put it into play.
I went from sitting alone at Church on Saturday nights to having 6 really great people that I can call "friends". After the mid-week service they invited me for pie and coffee, and for the first time in my life I was with a group of single Christian people from 20 to 30 just hanging out.
If you asked me 2 months ago if last night's situation was possible...I would have said no without a second thought. I'm not outgoing, I'm not a people person, and it's really hard for me to break into a group of people who know each other so well already.
I truly believe that God knew what I wanted and knew what I needed and delivered the cure for both.

I figured it all out, You're awesome
cause you meet me here now
right where I'm standing.
-Steele Croswhite

Oh, and another wonderful thing God has given me...more than one Godly man in the church to look up to.

Confusion

I think I'm falling for him.
But I don't know where to start,
or if he even wants me to.

It's a very empty feeling.

Croswhite

I'm so frustrated and impatient when it comes to my love life.
I absolutely love the church that I'm going to but I'm scared that part of the reason that I go is to stare at the guy who sings and plays the guitar for 30 minutes. I'm always so disappointed when the music is over, and not just because of my love of music.
It wouldn't be so bad except that he's engaged and getting married in like 2 weeks. So many times during the week I wish I had his fiance's life. I am so insanely jealous. He's really the first guy my age that I've been able to look to and say "that's what I want in a man". He's so strong in his faith and that's SO appealing to me.
I can lecture myself about waiting for what God has planned, but it doesn't sink in. I know that this is the time for me -and the man I'm going to marry- to build our relationship with God so that we have a strong foundation to build a marriage on, BUT I WANT IT NOW!!!

I'm scared that I'll forget everything I know when the first semi-eligible guy comes along (like I have in the past) and make a huge mistake and actually marry the guy.

UPDATE: After some careful thought last night I've come to some kind of conclusion that makes me feel better about going to Church to look at another girl's fiancee. It isn't HIM I want, it's the idea of him. When I say he's the first guy my age that I've been able to "look up to", what I mean is...in the circle of people that I consider "family", there are only 2 Christian men that I can look at and say "ohhh, that's what a Godly man should be like". And they're both around 50 years old. I have a "cousin" that's in his late 20s, but for some reason I just don't see him as a role model. So, I justify my voyeuristic tendencies by saying that I see in him an example of what I want in a man.