God knows I know I've thrown away those graces.

I was sure by now
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again
I say "Amen"
and it's still raining...

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you..."
and as Your mercy falls
I'll raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in my hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm. (Casting Crowns)

Late last night I went outside, laid on the sidewalk, and cried out to God. I begged him to tell me why he would show me something so wonderful, show me everything I want, and then take it away.
I only have one answer. I wasn't ready for it. I tried to force it. And now I don't know if I can ever have it again. How do I cope with that?

(8.29.05)
He saw beauty in me that I'll never see as long as I live.
HOW CAN I???
All the things I did to him, all the things I did that affected him, everything I dragged him into, everything I put him through. I did that to the man I love more deeply than I've ever loved before. I know it doesn't mean a lot because it's coming from ME...and maybe that's it. I can't love him the way I should. I can't love him the way he loved me.
But under all the fear, under the addiction, underneath all the things in me that destroyed our relationship...I can't say love wasn't there.
He IS unique. He IS special. He DOES support me.
His sense of humor. His heart. The tenderness.
All those things I love.
He sees his own worth. He knows he deserves more than what he sees in me. He's not willing to compromise who he is or what he wants.
I wish I could hate him for that.
But I don't.

I love him so much more because of those things.

Castles are burning in my heart.

Will you read this?
because I love your mind
(among other things)
but would you guess
that it's written for you?
If I cannot be with you
safe in your arms
and heart
I'd rather be alone.
Lonliness is a better fate
than the sacrifice of your happiness.
I love seeing you happy
I love seeing you
I love the fluttering feeling
my spirit gets when I see you.

I love you.

Yet I cannot love.
So I write this for you.
But...will you read this?

WHY???

Why do I do this?
Why do I KEEP doing this?
It's not just a matter of not seeing...it's seeing but doing anyway.
Why can't I see IN THE MOMENT what my actions mean. What I'm doing. How much I'm hurting him.
If I love him why can't I see that?
Because I've never had to? I doubt that would make it any easier.
Because I don't want to be hurt? I don't want to be embarassed? Do I really have too much pride to tell him, no, SHOW him how I feel?

I don't want to believe it.

Why don't I reach out? I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and he's reaching out his hand for me to take. I say, "you're not close enough," and he comes closer. I say it again, and again he moves towards me. Any closer and he'll fall off himself, but he's still there. I don't take his hand.

WHY?

Why am I so afraid of getting what I want? Do I deserve what he's offering? Probably not. Does anybody?
Am I doing to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for what I've done? How can I live a life that glorifies God if I do that? How can I show His love and forgiveness to other people, which should be what my life is all about, if I don't think I'm worthy of it myself?

Were we ever one? I believe we were. The time was short though. I saw the potential and I was scared. Why don't I believe I deserve to be happy? Why don't I think I have the potential to make someone else happy?

Love is in me to give. There's so much. God gave me love at the time I needed it most. He gave me so much that I don't know what to do with it all. I know I love him but I keep it inside. That's what hurts. It's not what he says, it's not how he says it, it's not that he has to keep reminding me.
I don't let him have it. I talk to him in my head, but not actually to HIM. I push the mute button on the phone and scream out in pain and frustration (not at him, at myself) and wonder why he gets irritated when I don't say anything.

The reason I'm so good at spewing theory is because I DO know what a relationship takes. I DO know what I should do.
I don't have faith or trust that I can do those things, and that I deserve what they would bring.

He probably feels the same way. But I am worth more to him than the things he's afraid of. I mean more to him than his fear and insecurity. I mean more to him than himself even...he doesn't need to be 'safe' to make his love known.

I AM losing him. I can feel it.
Can I find the value in myself that will allow me to reverse the process?

Everytime I have time to think I think of this

If you were here
you would know how I treasured every day
how every single word you spoke
echos in me like a memory of hope
When you were here
you could not feel the value that I placed
on every look that crossed your face
Now that I'm here I hear you and wonder
if maybe you can hear yourself
ringing in me now that you're somewhere else
cause I hear your strange music
gentle and true
singing inside me with
the best parts of you
Now that I'm here
I love you.

Some of us pretend that there's virtue in relying on not trying to understand.

I've mapped out my course. Looks like it's all uphill. I've got a heavy heart to carry but a very strong will. It's just hard to travel in the shadow of regret. In fact...it's so hard that I haven't actually left yet.

Maybe we never were as close as we should have been but I didn't know what I know now then.

This is not who I meant to be. This is not how I meant to feel.

Everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can. But one breath at a time is an acceptable plan she tells herself.

I do not want to know you this way...surrounded by so much pain.

My ears were looking around for another song to sing, but it was you each time.

Vhement romantic frantic for forever right now...but forever's going nowhere tonight.

A lesson must be lived in order to be learned and the clarity to see and stop this now is what I've earned.

Love let me breathe
breathe you in
melt the confusion...

David was brave.

1 Samuel 16:17-18 (NLT)
"All right," Saul said. "Find me someone who plays [the harp] well and bring him here." One of the servants said to Saul, "The son of Jesse is a talented harp player. Not only that; he is brave and strong and has good judgement. He is also a fine young man, and the Lord is with him."

David was brave. Even before he faced the giant he was considered to be brave. When Saul asked for someone to play the harp for him, a man who knew OF David remarked on his bravery. The two probably were not good friends, they probably did not spend a lot of time together, but even so, this man could see that quality in him.

I tend to think of bravery being important only when physical danger is present. But it's more than that. It's about knowing that something will be hard, that it might not turn out like you plan, but having the courage to do it anyway.

How did David know that? Where did he get the strength it takes to LIVE that?

1 Samuel 16:13 (NLT)
So as David stood there among his brothers, Samuel took the olive oil he had brought and poured it on David's head. And the Spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him from that day on.

David had the Spirit of the Lord with him. The same spirit that I received almost 17 years ago. I have that same power. All I have to do is choose to take it...

My thoughts about my crappy country

This is it. I finally have solid proof that our President doesn't give a flying rat's ass about our country and is going to do whatever he would like because now, he doesn't have to worry about re-election.

We have major problems in this country...social security and medicare are going down the tubes alarmingly fast and Mr. Bush is spending 286.4 BILLION DOLLARS (and he considered that a good compromise!) on plants for the Regan Highway and a bridge in ALASKA connecting a town of 50 people to wherever the other end of the bridge is going to be.
I'm all for bridges, but if I move to Alaska I'm expecting to do a lot of driving. Those poor bridgeless people have actually been doing ok thus far, I don't see why we have to spend 941 MILLION dollars on a problem that really isn't there.
I don't want to seem like some anti-road psycho (I do think we could make better use of our railways but that's a different story). I'm all for improving roads, traffic congestion, traffic fatality stats, whatever. But our president needs to think about what the best way to spend our money really is.

And not only did he sign this ridiculous bill, he had to fly to Chicago to do it. His huge desk in his huge office wasn't enough, he had to use his private plane and an obscene amount of fuel to go to the hometown of the guy who "oversaw nearly two years of negotiations on Capitol Hill to get a slimmed-down version that Bush would accept". And all that after he got back from a trip to New Mexico to sign another bill.
Whatever happened to actually doing your job? When did it become such a circus?? At least I'm glad that saving money and boosting the economy is on his mind.
But maybe if he saved the Jet fuel and stayed in Washington an airline ticket wouldn't cost me $500...

While he's at it, why doesn't he just appoint himself as the Supreme Ruler of the US and knock off anybody who tries to stop him?
It may not be as far off as we think...

???

"We're at war. We're facing an enemy that is ruthless. If we put out a (pullout) timetable the enemy would adjust their tactics," Mr Bush said in a speech in Texas.
"They want us to retreat. They will fail. They do not understand the character and the strength of the United States of America," the president said.

We're facing an enemy that is ruthless?? Didn't he imply that once Saddam was out of the picture there would be no enemy? Who exactly are we facing???

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/middle_east/2002/conflict_with_iraq/default.stm

Everything you'd ever want to know (and probably more) about life in Post-Saddam Iraq.
Especially interesting considering the fact that most of the content will never warrant any broadcast time on American news networks.